Got this question from an individual about living with their elderly mother.

Is it normal to be angry a lot when living with your elderly mother?

Anger can take many forms. If you are frustrated and feeling overwhelmed, that is one thing. If you are angry and lashing out verbally or physically then you are on dangerous ground. Get help managing your stress and handling your anger appropriately. Don’t try to “go it alone”.

As our parents age, we might be in denial to all the changes we see in them. It is hard to accept that the person in front of you has regressed to behaviors that closely resemble unruly children. It is important to acknowledge your role reversal status. Unless you accept the likelihood that you will receive the brunt of your parents’ outbursts, negativity and unacceptable behaviors as the primary caregiver, you will suffer even more emotionally.

It might be helpful to make an effort to satisfy the demands of your parents, but know you will have to set boundaries for what you will accept. If your parents have always been angry, it is easier to understand their anger now at losing their independence. If your parents are suffering any degree of dementia, the best thing you can do for them is to assure that they see medical professionals (such as neurologists and geriatricians) who can properly diagnose dementia and prescribe medicines that will help with behavioral issues.

Start getting help today. Talk to an eldercare advisor at Care For Life who will listen to your needs and make every effort to provide resources to help you. It is always wise to participate in a support group with persons in similar situations. Call 2-1-1 for community resources also.

When you are considering a move to assisted living there are several points for families to consider:
•Start the conversation about options for parents’ with them and siblings long before a move is necessitated by medical condition or cognitive impairment. Decide:
•Will parent be able to live on her own with assistance by family or paid caregiver?
•What adaptations are recommended in the parent’s home in order for them to remain there? Or,
•Can the parent live with an adult child? Personalities are huge consideration.
•Is a residential community the best option?
Next,
•Have a family meeting (adult children with or without parents) with a Geriatric Nurse Care Manager to explore the above three options. Work together to create a flexible, written plan for aged parents’ holistic well-being.
•Moving is a stressor on all ages, but even more so for an aged parent who has lived in the same house for decades. Be kind and considerate, but assertive, if needed, to do best thing for parents.
•A deep and very real fear of loss of control of own life is a tremendous obstacle to moving to new environment
The Search begins:
•Tour several facilities, take notes and do comparisons. Try to visualize your parent or yourself in the residence
•Be mindful of proximity to your home or work so that seeing your parent is made easier
• Trust your senses, feelings and your initial reaction to what you see, hear and smell
•Discuss whether your cognitive parent will be placed with persons with dementia. It is best not to comingle the two groups.
•Visit facilities during lunch to see how residents interact with staff and others. Also, is the food fresh and the right temperature?
•Does there seem to be adequate staffing?
•Is the kitchen clean and pantry well-stocked?
•Does the overall atmosphere seem pleasant? Cleanliness is essential!
•Are patients “parked” at nursing stations or in front of televisions with little or no interaction?
•Are pets allowed? Sometimes keeping a pet helps aged person adjust more quickly!
•Do residents appear to be clean, groomed and odor-free?
•Does the staff treat each other with respect?
•Meet the clinical director (not just the marketing person) and ask questions
•Make sure you understand levels of care available and what determines when your parent moves from one level of care to another (and the difference in cost!)
•What occurs in a medical emergency? Will you be the first to be called after 9-1-1?
•Talk to residents. Engage them about the care they receive and the activities they enjoy (or not).
•Ask for references—other families with parents there. They can get permission to give names.
•Ask to take home information on admission criteria and house rules
•Take the time to review materials and ask questions
Use your professional Geriatric Nurse Care Manager’s expertise
•Work with your Geriatric Nurse Care Manager every step of the process for her professional and practical input. She will know available facilities and will help you assess which residential community will best meet your parents’ needs as well as desires for a certain lifestyle as they age.